Beautiful Agony
by ryannekaye
Summary: Takes place during and after 4X04. A year in the life of Blaine and Kurt. Gapfiller/fix-it fic.


_Authors Note: So, I really feel like RM wrote himself into a corner with this. I don't know how Kurt and Blaine can come back and frankly, I don't know if I want Kurt to just forgive Blaine. So this is kind of my fix it and what next fic. Hope you enjoy! _

Kurt felt the bed shake. Heard muffled cries and whimpers create a soundtrack in the dark room. A part of him wanted nothing more than to roll over and gather Blaine into his arms and hold on. But he couldn't. He wouldn't do that. Blaine did this to himself. His perfect, loving, dedicated boyfriend cheated. How does one get past that?

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut for a second. He couldn't shake the mental image he created of Blaine with another guy. Blaine kissing another guy. Blaine being touched in places that were supposed to be reserved only for Kurt. Blaine feeling that intimate pleasure and giving physical pleasure to someone who didn't even matter. Kurt silently swallowed around a lump in his throat at the last image in his made up scenario. Another guy got to see Blaine's face as he came. Someone else got to be with Blaine in ways that should've only been Kurt.

It was agonizing.

So, no. Kurt wasn't going to comfort his boyfriend- ex-boyfriend- whatever they were.

When Kurt finally felt the bed stop and silence blanketed the room, he did allow himself a moment to turn his head and take in the boy next to him. What scared him the most was he couldn't even recognize Blaine any more. The Blaine Anderson he fell in love with would never brutally murder their relationship.

"I hope it was worth it," Kurt whispered, slipping out of bed.

He ended up sitting and waiting all night as silent tears would randomly fall. And when night finally gave way to a new day, all he had to show was a broken dream and a fractured heart that he didn't know could be repaired.

Blaine trickled out of the bedroom, and Kurt watched him approach. It was as if Blaine was advancing on a wounded animal. Slow, unsure.

When the younger boy opened his mouth, Kurt realized he couldn't have that discussion or any sort of connection with Blaine - not yet anyways.

"Please don't," Kurt pleaded. "I know you're sorry. I know you love me. But please just don't. I can't. Not now."

"W-when?" Blaine's lip trembled.

Kurt looked away. "I don't know. I just...not now. Please, just go. Go back to Ohio. Finish your senior year because before you realize it, it's...over."

"Is that us?" Blaine sniffled, "Are we over?"

Kurt shrugged, "I honestly don't know."

**~~~ 3 months later ~~**

The memory you most want to forget is the one that won't go away. It's the one that creeps into your mind when you least expect it to. It's the one that constantly replays on your mind over and over and over again.

Blaine tried to make himself forget the look on Kurt's face. The hurt. The betrayal. The devastation. Every time he closed his eyes Kurt's face haunted him. And when it wasn't Kurt's face it was _his_ face. The face that had brought him a few minutes of bliss in exchange for the love of his life. He made a deal with the devil and now he was in Hell.

He couldn't think. Couldn't do anything but replay his decision over and over again.

Months went by and Blaine lived in a world of limbo in terms of his and Kurt's relationship. They weren't over but they definitely weren't together. They were just...waiting.

Then two days after Christmas he and Kurt agreed to meet at the Lima Bean. Blaine pushed a non fat mocha latte across the table as soon as Kurt sat down. A peace offering.

"Hi," Kurt took a hesitant seat.

Blaine sucked in a breath. "Hi."

"You look..."

"I look horrible." Blaine tried to laugh. "You look great."

Kurt shrugged. "I work for Isabelle. She expects nothing less."

Blaine nodded. "Sam said you were promoted. You're her new second assistant."

"Blaine, are we really going to do this?"

Blaine shrugged. "What do you want from me, Kurt?"

"I want you to tell me why?" Kurt begged.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. You've said it in text, voice messages, emails, cards, flowers, and a weird life size teddy bear. I know you're sorry. What I want to know is why? Why would you do that to me? To us?"

"I... don't know."

Kurt sighed, "Then I need to go. If you can't give me anything to go by then sorry I-"

"I did it to hurt you the way I was hurting. I did it because I needed you. I turned my life upside down for you Kurt and then you just...you just left me!"

Kurt blanched. "You're the one who told me to go to New York. You're the one who made a big production in front of all of McKinley to tell me to follow my dreams. You're the one who practically packed my bags for me. You Blaine! And then the moment I leave... you hook up with some guy because you miss me?"

"I wanted you Kurt. I missed kissing you, holding you, being with you. I needed you and you weren't there."

"And you don't think I needed you?" Kurt tried to keep his voice down. "I needed to know I had you. I needed to believe is us! I needed... I needed to know we were going to make it. _Us_ is what kept me going. _Us_ is what I was making a life for. _Us_ was the... it was the thing that kept me from falling apart some nights. And you...you..." Kurt took a deep breath, swallowing back tears.

Blaine shook his head. "You ignored me. You...all I wanted was for you to help me pick out a fucking bow tie, Kurt. All I wanted was to tell you I was nominated president. All I wanted was for you to... to stop growing up. To stop growing away from me!"

There was a silence that neither of them knew how to break.

"We are growing up," Kurt sniffled, at least ending the trance. "And it's going to continue to happen."

"I love you, Kurt." Blaine didn't know what else to say.

Kurt nodded. "I love you too."

"Can we just... can we just love each other?"

Kurt summoned all his courage. His own heart shattering even more than it already was. "I will always love you, Blaine Anderson."

Blaine felt a punch in his gut. He knew. He just knew what was coming.

"But it's...we can't go on like this. We... I need you to go on with your life. I need you to...I need you to say goodbye to me." A tear trickled down Kurt's cheek, the Lima Bean lighting causing it to glisten and glitter like a diamond.

"I can't," Blaine shook his head. "You are the love of my life! You promised to never say goodbye to me!"

Kurt took a shuddering breath. "I know. That's why I need you to say it. I need you to let me go."

"I can't," Blaine scrubbed furiously at his eyes.

"Blaine," Kurt begged, "If you love me, say goodbye to me."

It took Blaine a few tries, his mouth opening just to close again. "I... goodbye Kurt."

**~~ 6 Months Later ~~**

Kurt smiled as he sat down in his office. His office. After months of interning and assisting, Isabelle moved him up to first assistant. Granted, his office was nothing more than a glorified broom closet, but it was his. And his job was still running after Isabelle, but it gave him a little more freedom to grow.

His life was finally moving on. Goals were attainable and real. He was no longer that gay kid like in Lima. He was Kurt Hummel, Isabelle's protégé.

He almost had everything he'd ever dreamed. All but the one person to share it with. Sure, he'd gone on dates. He was currently in some sort of relationship. It wasn't serious and frankly Kurt knew it wouldn't last.

"You have a minute?" Isabelle poked her head into his door.

Kurt looked up intently, "Absolutely."

"Can you run a few blocks up and bring this to the photographer for tomorrow? It's his contract," Isabelle explained.

"Of course," Kurt grabbed up his jacket and tucked the envelope into his bag.

Making his way to the street, he decided to walk. The air was brisk, but not freezing and he wanted the fresh air.

Humming to himself, he plugged his ear buds in and started the short walk. He passed by a building and almost allowed himself to settle into nostalgia before he spotted the banner. Glee Club Nationals were being held in New York again. He had forgotten about that. He watched as young hopefuls milling around the arena and let himself remember the year before.

That's why it came as a shock when a familiar group passed by and in the midst, a gelled head he knew very well. Kurt watched for a minute until that head turned, doing a double take. Offering a slight smile, Kurt waved briefly before turning heel and disappearing in the street.

**~~ 10 Months Later ~~**

The letter came in a nondescript envelope. His future was held in a plain white envelope with the NYU logo in the corner. Accepted. He had been accepted. At the time, he didn't really know why he did it – why he went ahead and applied to almost all New York schools. Maybe it was the fantasy he still found himself .living in. The fantasy where he and Kurt were still together. The fantasy where Kurt would open the door to the apartment and welcome Blaine home. The fantasy where he and Kurt would make love all night long and wake up in the morning and spend the day acquainting themselves with their new city.

In his head he may have been living in his fantasy world, but physically he was in reality. A reality that saw him standing inside a too small dorm room, with two twin beds and a roommate who raised an eyebrow when they first met before rushing off.

He sighed and set up his laptop, logging onto the internet. He clicked open Facebook and updated his status.

_Made it to NYC. Safely moved into my dorm._

He was just about to click sign off when the notification icon signaled red.

_Kurt Hummel likes this_.

**~~ 1 Year Later ~~**

Kurt inwardly cursed Rachel for forcing him to throw a ridiculous Halloween party in their apartment. It wasn't the huge disaster he thought it would be, but watching people from his world interact with kids from NYADA warranted a few drinks to be had.

He cringed, watching Isabelle try to be nice as a swarm of gay boys surrounded her. Throwing back the rest of the mysterious pink punch that Brody and Rachel cooked up, he was just about to save her, when the apartment door slid open.

Looking up, he expected to see another NYADA student walk through. Instead, he found he couldn't breathe for a second. Standing there, looking incredibly timid was someone he hadn't anticipated seeing. Without realizing it, he had crossed the space between them.

"Rachel invited me," Blaine explained cautiously, "I hope that's okay."

Kurt was nodding before Blaine had even finished his statement.

"I brought you guys this. I thought it'd be festive or something," Blaine held up a bag of Brach's candy corn.

"Thanks," Kurt took the candy and held it against his chest. "You're not wearing a costume," he observed.

Blaine shrugged, "No, I guess I'm not."

"You want something to drink?" Kurt offered softly.

Blaine shook his head. "I can't stay long."

"Oh," Kurt averted his eyes for a second.

Blaine nodded. "I should go."

"You just got here," Kurt protested lightly, hating the sound of his voice.

"Do you...can we go somewhere and talk?" Blaine asked nervously.

Before Kurt could answer, Rachel announced her presence. "Blaine!" She squealed obviously having had her fair share of pink alcoholic punch and seemingly forgetting the many nights she sat up with Kurt, listening to him lament love loss.

"Hey Rachel," Blaine accepted her sloppy hug and kiss on the cheek.

"We're going to step out for a second," Kurt tossed the candy corn on a side table and started towards the door, hearing Blaine untangle Rachel from his body.

The two walked silently out of the old apartment building and heading left towards a somewhat decent looking area. A brightly lit, albeit run down, diner became their destination.

"The coffee's not as good as Starbucks, but it doesn't break the bank," Kurt explained leading them towards a back booth.

"It's fine," Blaine watched a tired looking waitress shuffle around from table to table.

"How's NYU?" Kurt asked, rearranging the silverware on the preset paper napkin.

"I like it," Blaine found the passing cars outside of the window fascinating. "How are things with Isabelle?"

"Great. I'm really happy there," Kurt looked up to meet Blaine's eyes. "Why is this weird?"

"I'm sorry," Blaine offered.

"Sorry. I'm so sick of that word," Kurt ripped a corner of his napkin. "I don't even know what that word means anymore."

Blaine nodded. "I...I miss you, Kurt."

"Blaine-"

"I miss my best friend. I miss... I miss us. I miss who we were. What we were."

Kurt sighed, "I do too."

"Do you...never mind," he scoffed.

Kurt frowned, "What?"

"Can we...I love you. I never stopped," Blaine stated.

Kurt nodded grimly, "Tell me about...tell me about...I need to know what you and he did. After all this time I still...I just need to know."

"Come on Kurt," Blaine couldn't look at the other boy. "It doesn't matter."

Kurt shrugged, "Maybe not, but I still...Blaine, please. You owe me that much."

"Okay," Blaine looked up, "I met him online. And I...I don't know how it happened. I went to his apartment."

"Apartment?"

"He's a student at OSU. I...we made out and he...he...Kurt you don't want to hear this," Blaine begged.

Kurt sucked in a breath, "Continue."

"He...he started to jerk me off through my jeans and then I...there were condoms on his nightstand and I just couldn't do it. I left," Blaine bit his lip, red staining his cheeks.

Kurt's eyes widened, "You didn't sleep together?"

"I couldn't," Blaine shook his head.

"All this time I...I thought with meant _with_. I thought, I had all these mental pictures of you and some faceless guy..."

Blaine frowned, "I was with him, Kurt. I kissed him. I let him touch me."

"A part of me hated you because I couldn't stop thinking of you having sex with another guy."

"You should hate me," Blaine sniffled, "I hate me."

"Blaine, you swear you didn't...you swear you didn't have sex with him?"

Blaine nodded, "I wanted to, but I just couldn't."

"I..." Kurt paused briefly, "I don't know what this means for you and I. I think I...I think I can forgive you. I think I can...maybe we..."

"I won't push you for anything Kurt."

"Maybe we can move on," Kurt thought aloud. "We can't start over. But maybe we can just go from here."

"Maybe?"

"Yeah. I think...I think we can," holding up a chipped coffee mug full of coffee that was somehow filled when they weren't looking, Kurt waited for Blaine to do the same.

"To moving on?" Kurt smiled slightly.

"To second chances?" Blaine asked timidly.

Chuckling softly Kurt took a sip of the hot liquid, "We'll see."

And there they sat into the late hours of the night turning into morning in a small, run down diner in Bushwick. They weren't starting over, not giving themselves a new beginning. But they were allowing the hope of a possibility of a future together start to slowly manifest into their lives. Maybe, just maybe…


End file.
